This blog is less about Vincent, more about me. If your plan
is to give negative feedback about this blog then stop reading. If you are more interested on how I am doing,
then continue to read.
It is no secret that I suffer from bipolar and depression.
We were all raised to hide how we feel from others, or toughen up. Often when opening up to others is answered
with responses such as these; “Toughen up, life is hard”, or “It’s not as bad
as you think”, or “Cheer up, or no one will like you” and much more. These are
all answers which my brain cannot accept due to the chemical and neurological
imbalance of my brain.
Well I am trying something new, and talking about it in
hopes of others understanding the hardship I am currently facing. Since Vincent’s birth I was doing well, up
until a few months ago. I am not sure what happened, but each day my depression
started affecting me more and more. I tried to hide it by keeping my schedule
busy. However it is getting harder and
harder to live day to day. Vincent and
Pat both do their best to help my mood. Spending my days with Vincent help my
mood, as it a light in the darkness.
There are some days that I can’t function due to my depression or my
migraines which I’ve had since youth.
Right now I can’t function without napping when Vincent takes his
morning nap. Once I wake up from the
nap, I feel well enough to get my cleaning done. I also try my best to do a few sessions of
learning with Vincent a day. I would like to do four sessions, but these days I
can only function doing two. That is separate from all his physio sessions. The only thing that helps is taking naps and
taking it easy. Pat understands and does his best, however there is only so much
he can do as he needs to work.
What have I been doing to help my depression? I have been cancelling some of my plans. I am
trying to focus on myself when I can. Instead of having events almost every
night of the week, I aim to do the minimum. I then plan to slowly add more
stuff in my schedule. My goal for next week is to add the gym back 2-3 times a
week. It was helping before, however when I got my 3 weeks cold, it made it
difficult to find the energy to get back to the gym.
Vincent senses something is wrong, as he is often just wants
to come and hug me. If you wonder why I
am not communicating as much, or cancel plans, just give it time. I am doing my
best to get back on my feet.
Thank you for sharing this. I didn't want to admit it but I myself suffer from a lifetime of anxiety and depression. It comes in waves. When I'm on a life high, I am unstoppable but when I get low I get really low. I always pull myself out and feel stronger than ever but the depression always creaps back up. After giving birth my life changed, lost my friends, stayed at home with my son and had no adult interaction. For two years I tried to play tricks on my brain and told myself it's just the life of a mother. This is how it's supposed to be. I put on a brave face and smiled but inside I was losing myself. In no way shape or form do I blame my son, it has never crossed my mind to blame him for losing myself. My depression took a toll on my relationship, I was too lost in my emotions and my anger with the drastic life change. Prior to having my son I smoked marijuana as an escape from my life time of ups and downs. When I fell pregnant I stopped smoking cigarettes and marijuana cold turkey. 14 years of addiction I turned off like a light switch. There was no question in my mind that I needed to take on that challenge for my baby. I no longer had my band aid to hide my depression. I recently seperated from my husband because I was in denial of what I was going through. On top of my depression, I found out my baby brother had brain cancer. That made my emotions explode and my relationship was pushed aside again. Today I am on a high. My long 2 years of darkness finally found light. I had to accept my problems and stop being in denial and work on picking myself up again. I am happy to hear you have a great husband support system, and that you recognize what you are going through. They say acceptance of the first step to getting better and growing from the person you are. I know that my depression and anxiety will be with me for the rest of my life. I know that my coping skills need improvement and all I can do is work on my happiness which reflects on my son. Thank you for sharing your story. You are definitely not alone, I understand your emotions and am always here to chat. - Caro
ReplyDeleteThank you Caro!
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